Fitness Jokes and Humor

26. Nov, 2009 0 Comments

These jokes are meant to be funny, but some of them might offend you. Please be aware these are adult oriented. These are just jokes that mad me chuckle. They are not the funniest ever or the cleverest, but they made me laugh. Sometimes, the funny part of endurance training is what we actually do and the perceptions of our actions.

Enjoy the laugh and don’t take it too seriously.

A runner asks his wife: “What do you love most about me? My tremendous athletic ability or my superior intellect?”. “What I love most about you” – responded the man’s wife – “is your enormous sense of humor”.

One man’s hobby was running, he spent all his weekends on the park trails, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the park as usual. It was still dark, cold and raining, so he decided to return back to his house. He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife. “What terrible weather today honey,” he said to her. “Yes” she replied “but my idiot husband still went running!”

This man and woman were making love when the woman cried out “Oh my God! I hear my husband coming! You must get out of here fast! Grab your clothes and jump out the window!”. The man hurriedly jumped out the window and low and behold fell into some bushes. As luck would have it, it started to rain. He sat there, wondering what he was going to do when a bunch of joggers happened to jog by. The man quickly jumped up and joined the joggers. As he was running along with the rest of the joggers, one asked him “Do you always run in the nude?”. The man answered, while gasping for air, “Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running”. Then another runner asked “Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?”. The man answered breathlessly, “Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home”. Then another runner asked “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”. “Well” he answered, “only when it’s raining”.

A blonde goes out for a run. She comes to a river and cannot see a bridge anywhere nearby. She spots another blonde on the opposite bank. “Yoohoo doll!” she shouts, “how can I get to the other side?”. The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, “You’re already on the other side!”

Running shoes in these days are more and more technologically advanced. I went in this store and they told me this new model of running shoes can even predict the weather! I asked how and the salesperson told me: “Leave your shoes outside the window for a little while: if they are wet it’s raining, if they are dry it’s sunny, if you cannot see them it’s foggy”. I go running in the morning, before my brain figures out what I am doing.

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

I joined a running club last year to lose some weight, spent about $100. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

Two hikers on a trail came around the bend to find an enormous brown bear about 75 yards up the trail. The bear spies them and begins running toward them at a full gallop. One hiker drops his backpack, sits down, throws off his boots, and starts lacing up a pair of running shoes. The other hiker says: “What are you doing? You will never outrun that bear!”. The first hiker replies: “I don’t have to outrun the bear…”.

Last year I entered the “New York City marathon”. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing. The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, “Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?”. I replied: “Do you want to know?” and I dropped out.

We work out too much. We waste time. A friend of mine runs marathons. He always talks about this “Runner’s high”. But he has to go twenty-six miles for it. That’s why I smoke and drink. I get the same feeling from a flight of stairs.

If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, it is too far to walk back.

Michael Johnson, the Olympic gold medal runner, was on his way to a club with some friends. At the door, the bouncer turned to him and said: “Sorry, mate, you can’t come in here – no denim”. Michael was quite annoyed at this and retorted: “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Michael Johnson”. “Then it won’t take you long to run home and change, will it?” replied the bouncer.

Last year I entered the “New York City marathon”. I finished last. It was embarrassing. And the guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, “Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?”. I replied: “Do you want to know?” and I dropped out.

Deciding to take up jogging, the man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk: “What is this little pocket thing here on the side for?”. And the clerk: “Oh, that’s to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you’ve jogged too far”.

A school teacher asked a student, “John, will you please conjugate the verb ‘to go’ for the class?”. The kid began, “I go… um… you go… ehmm… he goes…”. “How about a little faster?”, asks the teacher. And the kid, “Sure! I run, you run, she runs…”

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city’s major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place. “Yes?”. “Excuse me, sir”, the jogger said, “do you have the time?”. The man looked at the car clock and answered, “8:15″. The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger. “Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?”. “8:25!”. The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying “I do not know the time!”. Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window. “Sir, sir? It’s 8:45!”.

Weightloss Plan

Did you hear about the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, etc. and none worked. He was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small ad that read, “Lose weight $1.00 a pound.” And it simply listed a telephone number.

Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on the other end asked, “how much weight do you want to lose?”

To which the man responded, “ten pounds.”

The voice replied, “very well, put you check in the mail and we’ll have a representative over to your house in the morning.”

About 9:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, “if you catch me you can screw me”.

Well the overweight fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally he did catch her and when he was through enjoying himself, she said, “quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!” He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, “how much weight do you want to lose?”

To which the somewhat less overweight man replied, “twenty pounds”.

“Very well”, the voice on the phone told him, “put your check in the mail and we’ll have a representative over to your house in the morning.”

At about 8:00 A.M. the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, “if you catch me you can screw me”. The chase took awhile longer this time but the man finally did catch her.

When he was through she told him, “quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!” He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!

“This is fantastic!” He thought to himself.

Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked,”how much weight do you want to lose?”

“Fifty pounds!” The man exclaimed.

“Fifty pounds?” The voice asked. “That’s an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.”

The overweight man replied, “my check’s already in the mail. You just have your representative over here in the morning.” Then he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets out of bed and gets all fancied up, ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 A.M. he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, “If I catch you I’m going to screw you.”

A different twist to the above joke

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. ”Guaranteed my ass,” he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day/ 10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of NIKE running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, ”If you can catch me you can have me!”

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, ”I like the way this company does business.”

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.

So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but REEBOK running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, ”If you can catch me, you can have me.”

He’s after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it’s worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he’s ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/ 50 pound loss program. ”Are you sure,” asks the representative on the phone, ”this is our most rigorous program…” ”Absolutely,” he replies. ” I haven’t felt this great in years!”

The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, ”If I catch you, I have you!!”’

The Diet

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?” The blonde nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from skipping.”